Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
You Might Also Like
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Forever 21… pounds overweight
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes