I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
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“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Cha-ching is my safe word
Holy shit he’s back
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.