Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
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I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.