Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
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When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
My whole life was a lie.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.