Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
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‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Friday
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one