you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
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Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…