Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
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[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?