You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
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Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”