“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
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Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Important reminders
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.