Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
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Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I wanna be friends with this person
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
goldfish mafia
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up