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Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire