Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
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her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake