My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
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Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.