I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
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God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge