Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
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I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
c’mon!
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over