Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
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Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I think the cat got the dog high.