I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
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I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.