Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
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Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.