I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
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I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank