Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
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OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.