ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
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Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
dictator is short for richard potato
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
A wise man once said nothing.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.