I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
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I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Think I pulled my liver
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?