[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
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Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.