I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
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My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward