I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
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[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.