My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
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If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
bought wrong eggs
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.