I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
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Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.