My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
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Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar