[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
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[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend