I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
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HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
yes yes a thousand times yes!
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I feel attacked.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff