Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
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Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
this came to me in a vision
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”