“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
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Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Love this one 😂🧟
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.