who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
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Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.