I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
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my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.