I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
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Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”