My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
You Might Also Like
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch