Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
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No. He’s not coming out to play
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
quarantine day 3
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it: