Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
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[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?