Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
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Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.