*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
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ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.