Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
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me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.