Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
You Might Also Like
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.