Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
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I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
whenever i wake up before my alarm
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
NASA has no chill
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.