Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
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“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no