Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
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You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.