Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
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Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I’d love this…lol
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy