*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
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I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
The biggest mystery of our time
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!