Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
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If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam