Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
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“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
This kid will have a bright future.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
mood
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x