23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
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Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
i dont have time for this
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
What do you hear?
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.